She told me she was pregnant. I said, “ok, let’s have the baby. I’m rich. No worries. And I love you.”
She was crying. I kept saying, “what’s wrong.” But she wouldn’t tell me.
Eventually she kept me out of her apartment. She needed to be alone. I stumbled through Brooklyn for an hour or so. I had a meeting, two meetings, three. I blew them all off.
I ended up nowhere. I was lost. I called my friend. “Where am I?” And we took some signs and some search engines and I was somewhere and eventually I found some sort of jitney to take me “home”.
I put it in quotes because I had no home. I made it back to the city.
I didn’t hear from her for a week. Then she told me she had an abortion.
A woman has a right to choose. I agree with that. But that baby would be about nine years old now. Goodbye baby.
Maybe he would look like me. Maybe he would draw. Maybe he would read science fiction. Or play chess. Maybe he would ask me questions and I would make up answers.
I stopped talking to her. She kept texting me. “Please! Please! Respond to me!”
And I loved her so eventually I responded. And eventually she came over. And eventually we got back together.
But it was a dream within a dream. We were riding around a carousel and eventually we had to get off and leave the carnival so it could pack up and move to the next town.
The games were stale and no longer fun.
The last time I saw her I was getting picked up by a car service. The driver recognized me. She helped me pack my bags in a car. The driver said to her, “this here is a good guy”.
She said to him, “I know.”
And that was the last time I saw her or heard from her.
It’s ok. I don’t blame her. This is the thing. Life is really confusing. We don’t even know what gravity is. Let alone what love is or what someone should do in a situation that is not really in the scope of what we’re supposed to know as humans.
I loved her. After her abortion we were together for another six months.
All my friends told me, “Don’t do it.”
But words are in the brain. And love is in the heart. They don’t really talk. You just keep doing what you’re doing no matter what pain the brain is.
Was she my biggest mistake?
I took a year off from my life trying to figure out that relationship. I stopped every business activity. I wrote the worst book in world history. I dropped all my friends. I lost all my sources of income.
I loved her. I haven’t spoken to her since. She’s disappeared off of all social media. I have no idea where she is or even who she is.
The mistakes we make are looking backwards. Like I’m doing right now. But I felt like doing it for a few minutes.
That’s ok. I’m going to read a good book. I’m going to go asleep. And tomorrow I look forward.
Maybe one day I’ll have another kid.